Do you spend most of your day preparing for an imagined future? So that one day you can finally start living… once you have a certain level of success, once you reach a certain goal, once your circumstances allow you to relax. For most people… that day never comes.
1 Worrying your life away
“I think you are out of your mind if you keep taking jobs that you don’t like because you think it will look good on your resume. Isn’t that a little like saving up sex for your old age?” – Warren Buffet
I noticed 95% of my daily worries have to do with past “lives” or future “lives”. Yesterdays and tomorrows. Not only a waste of time – but a source of anxiety.
Even if you make a month by month plan of your life for the next 5 years, your mind will not be at ease for long. In fact, it may get worse. How come you have all planned out, with contingency plans to boot, and yet the worry does not lessen? Something subtle is missing on the paper and you can’t put your finger on it.
At one end of the spectrum is total “waiting”, a life leading to the most regrets when dying. At the other end is total “now”, a sage living fully in the present moment. But do we need to hope for enlightenment, or can we take a more manageable middle step?
2 One day = one life
“Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.” – Mahatma Gandhi
Do you remember life before you were born? what about life before you woke up this morning?
Can you know now about your life after death? what about life after you close your eyes tonight?
In a very real way you are born every day and fall into unconsciousness every night, with no guarantee of rising again. You don’t wake up as a blank slate, you do inherit a running stream of thoughts and feelings from your past “lives” (the many yesterdays), but you have it in yourself to refocus your attention on what this new life, this new day holds.
So why is it so tricky to live today as if it was one full, complete life of its own? You need to address two conflicting sides of our psyche: the controlling mind and the surrendered mind.
3 The controlling mind
“This is your life, it’s happening right now in front of you” – Evelyn, from the film Christopher Robin
There was a time I lived in the thrill of chaos and unpredictability. This resulted in adventures – and many broken things along the way. Over time I licked my wounds and found myself turning to the other extreme: total planning. It is not rare that I try to predict my next 5 years in writing. I describe my current daily habits and extend it weekly, monthly, quarterly and yearly all the way to 5 year predictions or more for staying a certain course.
The consequence of this overthinking is indeed less external chaos along the way… but this by itself did not lead to inner harmony. It is counterintuitive, but perfectly possible, that the more successful you are at achieving your goals and the more you try to plan every detail ahead, the more angst you experience. Your mind thinks it should be getting closer to the finish line, but instead it never reaches “ground zero”, there is never full control.
If so, you forgot to put the wildcard on the planning table.
4 Inviting the unknown
“All I Want To Know Is Where I’m Going To Die So I’ll Never Go There” – Anonymous
There is no degree of planning that can lead to certainty. There is ALWAYS uncertainty, at least while you are alive, and your subconscious mind knows this. Therefore a plan must make room for the unknown, which may be 100% in case of catastrophe. Unless you make a pact with yourself on your attitude regarding this unknown, it will manifest itself as constant worrying.
This has been addressed by philosophies and religions through the ages. Billions of people in our planet assign it to a God or gods that have the ultimate say in the fate of your every day. By accepting that this is beyond your control, you can breathe in the reassurance that you did your part, and you surrender to the divine power that may manifest reality differently than your plan.
Another way is to refrain from specifying what is responsible for that unknown, and assign it to luck or fortune, like a gambler or an ancient greek stoic. They are fully aware of the role of Lady Luck and Fortuna. A stoic won’t even hope that destiny smiles according to its plans. He simply plays the game and is grateful for having the chance to do so.
I once spent a week hanging out with a very successful (yet extremely serene) serial entrepreneur. Over lunch he made an off-handed comment that stuck with me “I don’t make plans with things outside my control”. For instance, he would never join a startup in the hope that it makes it big and makes him wealthy. He’d join for the fun of the ride – the bonus “lottery ticket” possibility would be a mere nice-to-have, one outside his control.
5 The surrendered mind
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” – The Serenity Prayer
Accepting, surrendering, letting go… does not come easy. Few people in History seem to have reached a state of being where this was their default modus operandi, moment to moment. However, just like not being able to stay focused for 10 hours straight does not mean you cannot stay focused for 10 minutes, we can also lower the stakes of surrender.
Instead of a lifetime, aim for surrender within the more manageable boundaries of today. Acknowledge part of your mind wants to control the future to protect you. Acknowledge another part of your mind is capable of accepting reality as it is.
As a thought stream it look like this: “There are forces beyond my control and understanding, I have planned what is reasonable, I will execute to the best of my ability, and I surrender the rest to [insert the source of Unknown of your preference]. This day is my life itself, so I plan now, execute later, and end in rest, play and love.”
Edward Everett Hale said it better 200 years ago:
I am only one, but I am one. I can’t do everything, but I can do something. The something I ought to do, I can do. And by the grace of God, I will.
Here are the steps I follow every day:
- Make a conscious decision to work towards only 1 or 2 important outcomes
- Agree with yourself that once you achieve them, you will put down your tools
- Protect the other blocks of time for “life”: relationships, interests, mind and body training, etc
- Remind yourself to surrender the long-term outcomes to the daily accumulation of (1)…
- …and to the Unknown.
Surrender is the opposite of control. It is trust. It is faith.
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