Contents
INTRODUCTION
My Japanese teacher often says “chigao” when I talk to her.
It means “incorrect”.
One day during our class I asked her how to say “different”.
She replied: “chigao”.
“Doesn’t that mean incorrect?” – I jumped.
She paused, looked puzzled, and suddenly confirmed: “Yes, it’s the same word!”
“Isn’t that interesting…” I pondered out loud.
Perhaps it is not surprising that a culture centered on maintaining harmony assigns a negative value to that which stands out, that which is out of line, that which is “not normal”.
And yet, which culture doesn’t do that?
All cultures normalize a circle of habits and beliefs, then judge anything outside the circle as “not normal”.
It is only the definition of what is “normal” that changes between cultures.
Japan is simply more honest about it.
WHY NORMAL IS WRONG FOR YOU
My default reaction to anything that is touted as normal is suspicion.
Normal means standard. Standard means average. Average means suboptimal.
It’s probably not wrong as in “completely broken”, but rather wrong as in “not the right size”.
Working 9 to 6pm, 5 days a week, is normal for an industrial worker.
It has been this way since Henry Ford inaugurated the five day work week.
The same schedule for a knowledge worker however… is surprisingly also considered normal.
Is this the optimal arrangement, or did we just continue the existing normal?
Normal is not bad: it allows society to function.
It aligns expectations of respect, synchronizes rhythms of work, reduces friction through courtesy.
If you want be integrated in society, it is important to know what normal looks like.
At the same time, be sure to notice how normal falls short for your unique profile.
Because no one is “Mr or Mrs Smith” with “0.7 children”.
TYPICALLY, YOU ARE NORMAL
You can’t be different at everything, it would be extremely inefficient.
Speaking English for business, wearing pants instead of gowns, taking weekends off.
These may be part of the default baseline that helps you to fit in your surroundings.
But should everything you do be in the default baseline?
The question leads to a certain “no”, followed by a curious “then how much?”.
I would suggest context matters: how you dress on a random Saturday allows for more deviation than a funeral.
Deviating from the norm often carries the cost of friction, so it is wise to pick your battles.
Here are three filters to help you choose:
- Is it one-off or ongoing? (eg. Accepting your set menu in a wedding Vs. accepting your daily diet at home)
- Would downside affect only you or also others? (eg. Dressing poorly in an interview Vs. as best man in a wedding)
- Is any backlash easily reversible or capped? (eg. Trying a new exercise routine Vs. trying a new extreme sport)
My default mode is to eye for the odd one out in most situations – if nothing else because it is fun!
That said, with those questions as filter, I can quickly revert to the norm if the answer is “one-off, affects others, or irreversible”.
As a general rule, I advocate having a baseline of 20% normality and leaving a 4x bigger space for abnormality.
Shape that space like a glove that fits your inclinations, compensates for your deficits and protects you from your flaws.
The more you sculpt such a life, the less normal it will appear to others.
It is an enjoyable infinite game that is good for you.
And though it may seem counterintuive, you will also be benefitting the rest of us.
IF ANYONE CAN DO IT, DON’T
Typical reaction upon reading advice:
“Easy for you because of X, Y and Z.”
Precisely.
That is why the person did it.
It was a great approach given their talents, their resources, their inclinations, their available opportunities.
If you are looking for worldly advice that applies always to everyone you will end up with worthless platitudes.
If a certain route is open to everyone, it will be a crowded path, and the world does not need one more candidate.
Instead, do that which no else can do.
It sounds daunting but it is a terribly mundane fact:
No one is where you are geographically, right now, with your talents, your interests, time and energy available.
I’m writing this from a historic colonial hotel in Sri Lanka, where I’ll be staying for three nights.
I could approach the reception desk and pitch them on…
- Instructing their staff on how to use breathing for dealing with demanding customers.
- Offer to be artist in residence for the day making portraits of guests tomorrow afternoon.
- Ask to record an interview with the manager on stories about their most interesting guests.
Or simply continue writing this essay, alone in the Long Room with a black tea, sound of the sea in the background.
But wait: aren’t there better qualified mind training facilitators, portrait artists, podcast interviewers or essayists?
Most probably yes, thousands of people are qualified to do the above, but not now, not here, and not with my personal touch.
These are all things I am uniquely qualified to do right now, where I am, with my talents, interests and inclinations.
None of these have any significant downside beyond mild rejection of my proposals (including you disliking this essay).
All of them offer me a rather interesting twist to my stay at the hotel, with unpredictable upside of new opportunities.
So these options don’t apply to almost anyone else, and that’s why they are good options for me.
Any advice for “anyone” is inevitably suboptimal for you.
Look out for the unique combination that fits you like a glove.
It’s on you to find out what applies to your specific reality: in this day, and in this life.
Note: I interrupted writing this essay here, incredibly my wife walked in that moment and told me how 3 hotels around us had been bombed. The next 24 hours made for a meaningful escape by using all resources uniquely at our finger tips. Despite being the start of our honeymoon, we felt incredibly fortunate to have survived unscathed. Given the tragic death toll of April 2019’s Sri Lanka attacks I have reserves on writing about our experience, but will do if there is interest on how we navigated extreme uncertainty and risk with mindfulness – and blessings.
DON’T CALL ME NORMAL
My ego considers “normal” an insult.
It would rather be called eccentric, weird or even a little crazy.
Because then, while it suspects it could be wrong, at least it has a chance of being seriously right.
Normal is surely not the best option for me.
This is the ego speaking, which always wants to be a special snowflake.
It is however a useful heuristic to assume change is due whenever I’m considered to be fitting in too frequently or for too long.
So please don’t feel you are being nice to me when you tell me what I’m doing is normal, my ego may actually get worried 🙂
MY ABNORMALITY DOES NOT MAKE YOU WRONG
“So the conservative who resists change is as valuable as the radical who proposes it—perhaps much more valuable as roots are more vital than grafts.”
― Will Durant, The Lessons of History
People feel uncomfortable or even judged when you make life decisions different from the norm.
“You don’t eat meat?”
They will explain to you how you are missing out on life. It may sound like they have your best interest at heart, but they are mostly trying to rationalize to themselves why you are wrong (and they are right).
“You do what exactly?”
If you give up on the rat race and go live in the countryside in your 30s, expect to receive a veil of curiosity with an avalanche of resentment. You are putting the countless years of corporate work ahead of others into question.
We have an underlying assumption that there is a “right script” to live by.
We constantly check on each other to see if we are getting it right.
When we see others straying towards unknown territory, it makes us question our own path.
There is nothing inherently wrong with following the default script your place and times advocate.
But similarly, don’t feel threatened by others taking different roads – it says nothing about your choices.
Don’t assume that they are judging you or trying to prove your path is wrong.
Culture needs those who preserve it and those who try to change it – simply appreciate both camps.
TRYING TO BE DIFFERENT
“Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler” – Albert Einstein.
In a similar spirit to Albert’s dictum: be as different as necessary, but no more than that.
My default response when encountering anything new is to look for the exception to the rule:
“People here work from 9 to 6 five days a week” – who works 1 or 2 days a week?
“Hotel check out time is 10am” – how can we get a late check out that is better for both me and the host?
But you miss the point entirely when aiming to be different for its own sake.
Different with a purpose is useful.
Different for its own sake is trying too hard.
Exceptions arise in areas of experimentation:
- Creative expression in the Arts
- Exploratory phases in Entrepreneurship
- Trials in Science
Beyond these areas, trying to be different is the teenager trap of rebellious reaction instead of conscious choice.
If you do the opposite of everyone else you are you are no more independent than the crowd.
Different should feel natural, not awkward.
THE PRICE OF BELONGING
A normal distribution in mathematics looks like this:
I don’t mean normal as in typical: it is actually called “normal distribution”.
Sitting in the fat middle section you will not be alone.
Most times by definition we fall into the average of the normal distribution.
When you normalize, you can become part of a group.
As social creatures, belonging is a critically valuable reward, not something to be tossed aside lightly.
It keeps you safe, if brings you peer support, it can give you a meaningful feeling of belonging.
But what price did you pay?
The price you pay for being well surrounded is giving up the edges: where interesting things happen.
Interesting good and interesting bad.
Often belonging carries a fair price, but what if you are doing what is considered “normal”, yet still feel you don’t belong?
Perhaps it’s time to move to the edge.
Sometimes the price is worth it.
ABNORMAL REPUTATION
When your in-group such as family and friends know your quirks, you get carte blanche to extend your idiosyncrasies.
“Ah, well of course he did, it is Miguel after all.”
The more you explore and express your uniqueness, the more accustomed they will grow to it.
You reach a point where your lack of normality becomes part of your identity – what you expect of yourself.
It also becomes part of your reputation – what others expect of you.
That safe circle has given you both a sense of belonging and a permission to deviate from the norm.
What a victory and relief! To be accepted and even embraced as oneself.
Beyond your blood family is the family you pick yourself: your close friends.
You could stop there.
But I bet among the billions in the world there are thousands more who would embrace your abnormal reputation.
This I’m still exploring with curiosity, but I haven’t concluded on its cost/benefit analysis.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
Whenever someone says “it’s normal”, get suspicious:
- How is this specific situation different from the norm?
- Are they just trying to justify themselves for average results?
- Are they trying to make you feel OK for settling?
- What is missing from the picture as it applies to you?
The abnormal Golden Temple in Kyoto, Japan.
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